Yesterday, was one of those days where stress builds up with different events we have to deal with piling on top of each other.

I felt the familiar tension rising. Thinking I was getting out of my depth.

But something beautiful happened. I allowed the feelings to be felt. I had a little cry and vented.

Then, my nervous system started to relax.

Only last year, my body would have prepared for danger, even though there was no danger, and my chest would have tightened.

As the events piled up I would have started to feel helpless and struggled to work out what to do. I would have been operating from a place of fear and panic.

The tears would come and I would break down. The next few days would have been taken over with depression and feelings of worthlessness and societal pressure and judgement.

It usually took me days to weeks, sometimes even months to find my light again after a pile up of stressors.

But yesterday, I felt integration.

The fear and sadness still arrived; it’s natural, it will. Healing is not the removal of sadness.

But this time things kept moving. I didn’t get stuck in the fear. I was able to problem solve calmly while still feeling the fear and injustice happening.

I still felt sadness and cried because we do. When things happen that involve our children, families, finances etc. These are important things in our life. Sadness will come.

It didn’t stay though. It moved on after a cry and a chat.

A couple of hours later I was back to looking at my pretty sticker collection and wondering about Puffins.

But this is my story, this is where I am in my healing journey. We are all at different stages and that is absolutely okay.

It isn’t a race. Wherever you are in your journey it is the right step for you today.

Joy didn’t replace the sadness, it found me again. I learned to take care of my inner child now and protect her. And in return she meets me again and again.

I am regulated now. And I’ve learned what works best for me to find that regulation.

Yesterday reminded me that integration does not make us less human; it makes us more able to return to ourselves.

Integration is not the disappearance of pain. It is the shortening of the distance back to yourself.

– Frost ❄️