I have been married. I have been divorced.

My views on marriage have changed. I did not divorce because I no longer agreed with marriage. It was for deeply personal reasons.

I have been with my current partner for fifteen years. We are not married. I would like to marry him because I believe in that unity. We have that blend of friendship, romance, teamwork, and humour.

But marriage has become so expensive. I do not need, nor would I cope with, a big fancy wedding. I would like a nice dress, service, and reception though. Small to suit my nervous system, but with the perfect dress to show my pizazz.

Weddings today are showy, and businesses are cashing in on that. I feel that marriage should be celebrated, but not at a cost of tens of thousands.

My first wedding was humble. A small gathering at an LDS church. A spread put on afterwards. Money was only spent on the registrar and licence. No temple marriage for me, as I was a convert due to be baptised the day after my wedding, and my ex was never a member.

I did not wear a new dress. I wore a purple gown I already owned and an organza shawl, fastened modestly with my late nana’s 40s rhinestone and paste brooch.

Walking down the “aisle” after doing my own hair and make-up, I did not feel happy, ready, or even fully willing. I felt rushed, unseen, and ugly.

No marriage should start like that.

I was forced into marriage so I could be baptised faster into a religion I no longer belong to. You have to remember I was not diagnosed with autism and ADHD at this point in my life, but I still had them. My support needs were still substantial.

I feel like I was led into something that was not right for me and had no awareness of the consequences. I was utterly unsupported in making huge life decisions.

The girl that cannot decide alone if she wants a latte when the oat milk is an unfamiliar brand.

All of that makes me take marriage more seriously now. Definitely not something to rush into. I also have a fear that if I did marry, it might change something in our relationship.

I love my relationship, and I would love the chance to feel special, beautiful, and seen. But cost, change, and trauma still play their part and leave marriage as a heavy prospect for me.

Marriage will remain ambiguous to me for now.

Perhaps future me will get her dream dress.

Or maybe we will stay just as we are.

What I do know is that marriage is personal between two people. We will do what is right for us at the time.

— Frost ❄️